It
is important to discuss what comes after the wedding…..before the wedding.
Some couples spend so much time planning their wedding that they forget
to plan for the actual marriage. Sometimes, couples assume that they will
“live happily ever after” and are horrified to discover reality is not
exactly how they pictured it.
There are many questionnaires available to determine the health of your
relationship, mostly centering around the physical aspects of married life, such
as: children, health, finances, and career goals
All these questions are good, and can
begin a lively discussion. They are food for thought, and insight. I am assuming
that you two have already talked about most of these topics. I am sure you agree
on most of the major life issues …such as your family life, your lifestyle
choices, your recreational activities, your financial standings, your standards
of ethics and morals.
What I would like you to think about
are questions that are a little unconventional, a little different, some
questions of the heart. Questions such as:
does your heart skip a beat when the other walks into the room? Is your
future spouse easy to love? Which would mean: does it take effort to do things
for the other? Do you feel used or unhappy giving up your choice of activity to
do what your partner wants to do? Is making him/her happy the essence of your
life? Would you be willing to die for him/her? Would you be willing to live for
him/her? Would you be happy living alone? Is breathing the same air as the
other, enough to make you smile? If your partner left you for someone else,
would you still want her/him to be happy? And would you wish him/her well?
One cannot measure love. One cannot
take a test and find compatibility. You have to look to your hearts. Can you
paint the basement together and enjoy one another’s company? Can one of you be
sick and know the other will tenderly take care of you? Do you feel absolutely
safe in their love? Do you know whether your partner would swim through shark
infested waters to save you? Can you look at the coolest movie star or model in
the world and think…well, that person is OK, but my fiancé is so much more
wonderful. Together
time: So
much of marriage is the “little stuff”
where the dirty socks fall, if the toilet seat is left up, the unbalanced
check-book, or the toothpaste tube squished in the wrong place. That kind of
stuff trashes marriages. There is a book called “Don’t sweat the small
stuff”….and I beg to differ…..that is not entirely true!!!
It is all the small stuff that is important.
My husband calls this the 2%
solution……so much of life and marriage is the “small stuff”. The brand
new, expensive whatsis doesn’t work because a 39 cent part is defective. You
have a great shopping experience ruined because the bagger smashes your bread
and eggs. Your fantastic document (and possibly your career) is in shambles
because the clerk couldn’t figure out how to print it correctly. 98% works
well, but is trashed because of the last 2%. Marriage is a lot like that….you
husband is wonderful 98% of the time….but drinks a little “too much” on
the weekends. How will that affect
your life together? She is perfect but spends “too much” time with friends.
How does one define “too much”? How do you cope with these issues? Are these
issues? Do you want to cope? Should you cope? Is your partner willing to change?
Or should you be the one to change? How
do you decide as a married couple what you do together? Are
“boys nights” or “girls’ nights” an option, or do you prefer to do
everything together? What if one of you disagrees? Do you like each other’s
friends?
One the other side of the 2%
solution, does your fiancé’ do the sweet little things that brighten a dreary
day……chocolate remedies for body and soul after a hard day? Chicken soup and
your favorite soda when you are sick? Filling up the gas tank before it is
on”E”? Taking out the trash without being asked? A foot massage after a
really bad day? Little things add up! Thoughtfulness in day to day life is quite
possibly the most wonderful thing in the world.
I won’t spend too much time delving
into your intimate together time, except to ask: are you really good together?
Is love freely and generously given all the time? Are you both on the
same wavelength? If not, is compromise possible? For those of you who prefer to
wait until the wedding night for your first intimacy, you should still have a
pretty good idea of your physical compatibility. If you don’t feel “right”
and “beautiful” and “cherished”, you may want to rethink your decision
to marry. Marriage is about making you feel closer and more open and “one”
with each other. The physical union can be the gateway to the spiritual union. House:
How do you structure your household
time? Who does what and when? Cooking, cleaning, chores, and shopping are facts
of life; how will these chores be divided? Discussing this before the wedding
day helps to prevent frustration and fighting.
And, yes, the house has to be clean, you do need to eat, and the bills
need to be paid. You can do it yourself or pay to have it done…decide. If you
have a house with a yard….will you also have his and hers lawn mowers and snow
shovels? Who takes care of car maintenance? Outdoor home maintenance? What
happens if one of you is a neat freak, and the other is most definitely not?
Some things you don’t find out until after the wedding, but it does not hurt
to discuss it now. Money:
How are finances to be handled? Will
you opt for a joint account for all the household expenses? Do you prefer
individual “his and her” accounts, with a separate “our” account? Who
pays for what? What about savings? Do
you plan on discussing “big ticket” items, or will you just assume that your
spouse will be thrilled with a new expensive surprise? Cash or charge? Are you
going to be in debt for years paying off your wedding or a new car? Beginning a
marriage deeply in debt is an enormous strain….try to avoid that.
In some relationships, money equals
power; and the one with the most cash calls the shots. If one of you opts to
stay home raising the children, does that means you have no say in how the
finances are handled? Would you have to ask for an allowance? Where will your
personal spending money come from? And you do need a personal fund of available
cash. Health:
What if there are physical
issues…..such as a debilitating illness, paralysis, a breast removal, or an
enormous, visible scar? What if one of you gains or loses 50 pounds? Will your
love for that person change? Will disfigurement or change be repellant to you?
Or will you find your spouse just as attractive as you did before? Have you
talked about emotional or mental illness? What happens if one of you has a
stroke, MS, or develops early onset Alzheimer’s? What happens if there is an
accident and one of you is in a coma, hooked up to machines and tubes? Have you
discussed your wishes? Have you gotten your health care directive forms filled
out yet? (yes, that is a hint). Children:
Think about children….they are
sweet and cuddly and cute when first born, but they do grow up…quickly and
expensively. Do you want them? Yes, no, maybe someday, or absolutely no way,
ever? What if you change your mind but your spouse does not? Now what? What if
you want children, but have fertility issues…..are you open to medical
intervention, adoption, foster care? What if you do not want children and your
contraception method fails? What happens then?
Who
will raise your children? Mother, Father, Grandparents, family member,
caregivers? Someone needs to shower
your child with love and affection; who will it be?
How will you parent your child? Should the wife be the one to stay home
with the baby, or are there other alternatives for your family? Can you and your
spouse easily combine career and family life?
Do you believe in physical chastisement?
Do you want the child raised in a specific spiritual practice? Who will
you appoint as guardians for the baby? (Yes, you need to think about that even
if you don’t want to. Think of it as insurance for your child). Do you have
enough money saved up for the zillion things a baby needs? Does your medical
insurance provide for maternity, prenatal and well baby check-ups? Career:
What would happen if your spouse was laid off? What if current career
options were no longer viable? Is your spouse still attractive with less money
coming in? How does status influence your life? What if the Lexus turned into a
Focus? Prada into Payless? Will there be anger or resentment? If so, how much
stress can your marriage withstand? What if you needed to do something
completely out-of-character to fulfill yourself? Could you change careers, go
back to school or move to India and be confident that your spouse would be
understanding and supportive? Trust:
There is a small phrase in almost
every wedding ceremony that varies in wordings, but in essence says:
“I will love you and honor you and be faithful to you for as long as we
both shall live.” With the divorce rate at around 50%, it would seem that many
couples feel these words are not applicable to them. Or perhaps, they do not
understand the meaning of the word “vow”. A vow is, by definition, a solemn,
unbreakable promise. The comfort of marriage lies in the unshakable belief that
your spouse will love you, no matter what happens. You are in this together,
forever. And that is precisely why divorce is so shattering when it occurs. The
trust that is the foundation of a relationship needs to be strong and steadfast.
“Cheating “has broad and vague variations now: Internet “affairs”,
office flirting, “this doesn’t count as cheating”. Think again: it does.
When in doubt, don’t. It is not worth it. Helpful
marriage hint: look at every challenging situation in your lives as an
opportunity to strengthen your marriage. No matter what happens, no matter how
devastating, be grateful for what occurs, and use it to grow closer together.
Yes, it is easier said than done, but it will help you to live in love. Pray
together, talk together, talk some more and always hold on to one another. I
hope these thoughts give you a few things to consider on your journey through
life together. I truly want you to be content and joyful in your marriage.
Sometimes, marriage is just getting through, day by day.
Sometimes it is romance and candle light. Others, it is laundry and
paying bills. There may be times that you will disagree with each other. That is
fine and normal. Agree to disagree, and continue to love one another.
The experiences of the days and years will vary greatly. Whatever
else marriage may be, it is certainly challenging. Enjoy the questions, enjoy
the discussion….there are no right or wrong answers…..only what is right for
you as a couple contemplating marriage. Please take the time to discuss your
expectations, hopes, dreams and ideas about marriage before your wedding. I wish
you every happiness! You
are in my heart and prayers every day! Blessings, Rev.
Sharon Contact
Rose Ministry at: About
Me
Goddess
Ministry Weddings
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